A Divine Comedy
by Moosashi
Summary: It was something of a hazing to give the new teacher the task of teaching the Seven Deadly Sins, and that is exactly what newcomer Yukio Okumura was tasked with. It couldn't be as bad as the other teachers had claimed, right? Yukio believes so. After all, his class consists of up-and-coming exorcists. This would be a cakewalk...
1. Pride

A.N. Time to take a trip back to my writing roots and attempt a humor story. While I've written humor before and tend to incorporate it into my stories quite often, it has been a long time since I've strictly limited a story to _just_ humor. Let me know how I do! With that out of the way, this story centers around a class session with everyone's favorite exorcists-in-training and their teacher who is oddly younger than most—if not all—of them and his attempt to teach them a very important lesson. I'll leave it at that. Enjoy!

* * *

Yukio Okumura found it unnecessary to demand the class quiet down, for the tome he had just dropped onto his desk left a resonating boom throughout the classroom that did the job just fine. With all eyes—some impassive, some questioning, some curious—on him, he cleared his throat and began the day's lecture with only minor reluctance. "Today's curriculum is a bit different than the norm," he began while thinking deeply on just how this topic could possibly be as bad as the other teachers had claimed, "I will be teaching you all about the Seven Deadly Sins." Really, how bad could it be? The other teachers had forced the lecture onto him and told him it was how they hazed the new ambitious teachers; it was the only way to become an officially recognized teacher, Mephisto had added after eavesdropping onto the conversation.

Yukio had expected someone to speak out about the necessity of such a lecture, and when Suguro did just that he listened patiently. "This sounds like a waste of time. Even a rookie like Rin knows about this stuff." The grunt that came from the target of Suguro's insult was all that the demon could muster before Yukio spoke again.

"This is a bit different," Yukio stated while pushing his glasses up. "I realize most of you," he suddenly glared at Rin, "know about the Seven Deadly Sins. However," he paused to open the book in front of him: _The Divine Comedy – Exorcist's Edition_. After turning a few pages he raised his gaze and surveyed the class. "What none of you have experienced are the demons associated with these sins."

Konekomaru spoke out now. "Each sin has a demon?"

Yukio nodded. "Yes. Today you will be subjected to those demons."

Shiemi bit her lip and clutched her yukata. "Are they really deadly?"

"Give me a break," Izumo chided with a grunt. She crossed her arms over her chest, annoyed by the blonde's weak display.

Yukio laughed. "They are indeed deadly, however only in the sense that the demons are very good tempters and difficult to resist." He smiled upon seeing Shiemi relax a bit and nod. "With that said, I'd like to remind you all not to give into their temptations. This is—"

"Yeah yeah, let's just get on with it already, brother," Rin interrupted while stifling a yawn. Rin could tell his brother was angry just by seeing his narrow eyes glaring at him, their power intensified by the lenses of his glasses.

"Very well." The words of Yukio seethed anger even though he spoke them docilely. He had already chosen which sin to begin with after having decided not to go in their numeric order. "We'll begin with the seventh sin, also known as the original of the seven and the most serious." He took a small needle from atop his desk and pricked his thumb with it, allowing the blood to drip onto a symbol within the book; not surprisingly, the page was extremely bloodstained from previous use. His hair suddenly blew back as energy burst from the page. Small demons that looked greatly like Coal Tar fungi erupted in large numbers from the page like a geyser. "Please understand that you are not to fight the demons, but simply resist them instead. Surely by now you all are more than strong enough to tackle this test." He closed his eyes, blotting the surprised visages of the entire class from his sight. "Should this prove true by you all easily resisting Pride's temptation then the rest of this will be, in layman's terms, a 'cakewalk.'"

Yukio opened his eyes.

"I'm the one who's going to beat the shit out of Satan, you hear me?!"

"The hell you are!"

"I'm going to be a great exorcist! All of you just wait and see! Watch me!"

"I'm going to defeat Satan with a single Aria verse!"

"Man, all of you are such drags. Just give up. You'll never be as great as me."

"Don't be getting so full of yourself now, Moriyama! Just because you summoned a pipsqueak familiar doesn't mean you'll ever be anywhere near my caliber!"

"Silence you fools! You all are mere pawns in the grand scheme of Nemu Takara! In the end I will devour your souls and feast on the succulent marrow of your bones and tender meat of your flesh!"

As in the beginning, Yukio Okumura found it unnecessary to demand the class quiet down, as some other happening did that job just fine. In this case it was the sudden grotesque outburst by the normally silent puppet guy who stood in the back corner of the classroom, all eyes on him. Yukio examined the rest of the class: Suguro, Rin, Shiemi, Konekomaru, Shima, and Izumo. Every single one of them had been possessed by Pride. A nonchalant glance to his watch informed him that not even a minute had passed since he released the demons. As he began the verse to dispel the demons, he realized just why the other teachers had forced this task onto him. He had greatly underestimated it and the ability of his students.

It was going to be a long and excruciating day…

* * *

A.N. I hope you enjoyed this first chapter. One sin down, six to go!


	2. Envy

A.N. A shout-out of thanks to all of you who reviewed! Here's chapter two: Envy.

* * *

"You all fail."

Yukio Okumura's adamant words threw the class into a state of turmoil.

"Jeez Yukio, that's going a bit far even for you!" Rin crossed his arms at his chest and chose to avert his angry gaze from his teacher. Having known the teacher as his brother for a long time, Rin knew that such tactless approaches seemed to work better than straight out anger.

Suguro agreed, running a hand through his blonde locks. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but Rin's got a point. Give us another shot, eh teach?" Suguro adopted Rin's manner of avoiding eye contact with the professor as he spoke.

"Please, Yuki?" Shiemi peeped, suddenly clasping a hand over her mouth. This was class, she had to be formal! After letting her hand slip from her mouth, she tried again, unsteadily saying, "I-I mean, p-please, Mister Okumura?" In contrast to Suguro and Rin, Shiemi kept her gaze steadfast on Yukio's.

The teacher's sigh of defeat was inevitable. "Fair enough. I suppose it is my fault for subjecting you all first to the strongest of the seven," he deduced while taking all the blame. Regardless, he was still quite bothered by how quickly all of them were taken in by Pride's temptation. They may only be Exwires, but…he decided to blame their generation as a whole rather than mull over detailed reasons. "Let's move onto the next one, shall we?"

Shiemi shifted uncomfortably in her seat and Rin took notice, asking her what was wrong. She shook her head at his question, answering, "I'm worried what is next. I don't want anything to overcome me again. I…" she paused and swallowed hard, "…I wasn't myself."

Rin suddenly gave her a single pat on the back, probably hitting her too hard if her sudden cough was any indicator. "Don't worry," he assured her. "If anything goes wrong, I'll be here to save you."

Shiemi smiled at this, but it soon faded as she asked, "But what if it overcomes you again too?"

His heroic disposition crumbled instantly and he turned his attention to the teacher's lecture, giving the timid girl next to him a reply consisting of frustrated grumbling; neither of them were aware of the burgundy gaze—brow furrowed in discontent—set firmly on the two.

"Ah, yes." Yukio's words brought all of the students out of their reveries. "Envy will be next." He poked his thumb with the needle again, reopening the previous wound. As his eyes surveyed the class, he warned, "Envy can be hard to overcome, so prepare yourselves accordingly. Shelter your mind from your greatest desire and any jealous thoughts." As he finished, blood dripped from his thumb and onto the page, causing to erupt from it a whirlwind of demonic magic. A content smile sat upon his face as small demons rushed from the page.

The class seemed to be struggling, although it appeared to be fruitful struggling as many seemed to be warding off the temptation of the demons. Rin, in particular, seemed to have no problem doing so, as did Shiemi; the former surprised Yukio, but the latter came as no surprise whatsoever. Innocent Shiemi probably hadn't a single drop of envy in her now that she had made so many friends.

Konekomaru seemed the most content out of everyone in the room. The nigh bald boy sat in his chair with his hands folded in what looked like prayer as his eyes remained closed. Using Aria verses would be against the rules of the test, however his closed mouth made evident that he was not doing such a thing.

Shima had already become possessed. The pink-haired teen seemed to be throwing a tantrum. "It's not fair! It's not fair at all!" He stood from his desk and began stomping the ground. "Why is it that other guys get chicks so easily, yet they pass me up without even a single look?!"

Suguro had lost concentration due to the fit and burst out laughing. "As if we didn't see this coming!" he exclaimed, one hand to his stomach and other used to point at his envious classmate while doubling over in laughter.

Rin took notice and joined in his laughter. "Shima, just accept it! No girl is ever going to try for you!"

The laughter provoked their envious classmate and suddenly a chair was tossed at Rin who managed to pull Shiemi into a ducking motion with him; the chair bounced off their desk before colliding with the ground. "And you have room to talk, hotshot?!" Envious was one thing, but what Shima clearly was now was enraged.

"Shima!" Yukio called out. It did nothing to grab the student's attention, and instead grabbed Suguro's.

"Hold on, teach," Suguro stated. "It won't do us any good if you just intervene if something goes wrong. This is a learning experience, so let us learn." His statement was full of crap; he just wanted to see Shima and Rin duke it out. Nevertheless, Yukio abided the situation with reluctance and Shima and Rin burst into argument, with Rin throwing the first comeback.

"I've had loads of girlfriends!" Rin shouted matter-of-factly. He pointed to his brother, stating firmly, "Just ask my brother!"

The brother in question did his best to stifle his chortle.

It was everyone's expectation that Shima would be the one to snap back at Rin, but when an angry female voice joined the fray, things took a turn for the worse.

"_What_?!"

Rin looked down at Shiemi, thinking it was her at first, but the girl who still remained in his protective embrace simply shook her head. That left only one other; when Rin turned his head, his eyes grew wide as saucers and his jaw dropped in fear before he scooted back in his seat, pushing the desk back with him while also pulling Shiemi along. Izumo was leaning down in front of him, hands on her hips and scowl on her flushed face with glazed eyes.

"Izumo?!" Rin called to her in confusion.

The girl clenched her fists and bit her trembling lower lip. Suddenly her seething anger erupted. "First it was Shiemi, always Shiemi, and now you're telling me you're some sort of chick magnet playboy?!"

Konekomaru, who had been concentrating really hard on staying calm and defending himself from temptation, suddenly lurched and let out some sort of odd grunt. He obviously had lost all concentration.

"Pl-playboy?" Shiemi repeated the foreign word with hesitation. Her innocent and worry-filled gaze landed on Rin's face. "What does she mean, Rin?" Her hands gripped his shirt gently; the action caused Izumo to twitch.

"Why are you holding her like that, Rin?" Izumo suddenly questioned hastily, completely changing the subject. "Why does _she_ get all your attention, hmm?" Before he could muster a reply, Shima chimed in.

"Oh my dear Izumo, why do you run to Rin and not me?!" His plea went unanswered.

Rin stuttered for a response to the fuming tamer. "I, well I, I mean, well Izumo it's…why are you even acting like this?!"

Izumo had been trembling before from what seemed to be sheer anger, but at Rin's response the truth came out as she burst into tears. "I hate you, Rin! It's always Shiemi! You never show me any care! Is it because you just don't care?!" She suddenly tore Shiemi from his embrace and threw her to the ground, then kicked Rin in his chest, sending him toppling over the desk behind him before falling awkwardly on the previously thrown chair that lay on its side.

Amongst all the commotion, Suguro had weaseled his way up to the forgotten teacher Yukio. With a whistle indicating he was impressed, Suguro stated, "What a great show."

Yukio remained silent, his head hung low and shoulders slumped. In one sudden motion his body stood erect and he shouted at the top of his lungs, "Shut up!"

A voice on equal tone and volume followed suit. "Nemu Takara agrees! What is this insistent squabbling? You all should be envious of the greatness that is I!"

The classroom was as still as a painting, all eyes on the puppet guy, save for Yukio's which surveyed the scene: Rin lay on top of a sideways chair, his limbs tangled amidst its legs, while on the floor Shiemi reached out for the demon boy who was being threatened from above by one Shima Renzo whom held a chair high above his head, ready to bash it into Rin had Konekomaru not been restraining him, while still adding to the fray was a crying Izumo collapsed to her knees at Rin's side.

"Suguro," Yukio called in a whisper, "help me with the verse against Envy."

Suguro chortled. "Do you really need my—" His mouth clamped shut and he nodded after seeing Yukio glare at him. Never in his life had Suguro seen a visage more threatening and frightening, and he was certain that even the face of Satan couldn't match what he'd just seen.

* * *

A.N. Heh, that's another sin down! I hope you enjoyed it and laughed a few times!


	3. Greed

A.N. Another shout-out of appreciation to the reviewers! I'm so glad everyone has been enjoying this! Onto the third chapter: Greed.

* * *

Yukio had been pinching the bridge of his nose for a long time, an action that greatly illustrated his frustration. His class had failed to meet his expectations for a second time, and while the results this time were better in terms of resistance turnout, he couldn't deny that the chaos that had taken place was far worse. The true source of his frustration didn't lie in the past, however; his mind was grinding away at deciding which sin would be the least tumultuous and easiest to resist.

As for the class, they were seemingly pensive with a common task shared amongst them of staying quiet and staring forward; except, of course, for Suguro who was taking many quipping jabs at Shima for the behavior the pink-haired boy had displayed.

"Come-on, I get it. Just quit already," Shima insisted dejectedly. He let out a drawn sigh when Suguro snickered.

"No way, man," Suguro jested while playfully elbowing his pal. "You were so miserably desperate and pathetic."

Rin had wanted to join in on the teasing, but he had decided it best to not draw attention to himself, else someone bring up what had happened between him and one currently beet red nightshade-haired girl sitting in the furthest corner seat of the room. The blonde sitting next to him certainly wanted to bring it up, but she was far too coy to do such a thing.

Suddenly, Yukio's voice stole the class's attention. "We'll be moving on," he informed. "Greed shall be next."

Rin sighed in relief. Greed wasn't such a terrible thing, he thought as he peered around the classroom; in fact, he was certain not one of his classmates was greedy. He was broken from his reverie upon a shockwave blowing past him. It seemed Yukio had already begun the ritual.

"Hey, teach!" Suguro called out. "Any words of advice?"

The teacher grimaced. "I fear my words will only fall on deaf ears, but if you insist," he began while pushing up his glasses, "then my advice is to remember what is most important to you other than material possessions. Keep those things in mind but do not covet them excessively."

As the test proceeded, Yukio found his frustration slowly slipping away. The class was actually doing a swell job! Greed seemed to be no match for any of the students—not Suguro, not Konekomaru, not Shima (well, maybe Shima), not Rin, not Izumo, and certainly without even the slightest, smallest atomic-level speck of a doubt, Shiemi. Definitely not—"Shiemi?!" he called out in bewilderment. The coy blonde next to his brother was struggling immensely, and not even a moment later succumbed to Greed's temptation.

Shiemi suddenly stood from her seat and grabbed Rin by the collar of his shirt. "Mine!" she claimed, tightening her grip on him.

"What?" Rin questioned.

Without receiving a response, the girl dragged him from his seat over to the Cursed Temple trio. She grabbed Suguro by the collar in a similar manner. "Mine too!" she declared before turning to Shima. Her eyes narrowed on him, but then darted between her two hands. Without anything else to grab him with, she leaned in and bit the pink-haired teen at the shoulder.

"Wh-what the?!" Suguro spat out.

Shima, on the other hand, fist-pumped. "Eat your taunts, Suguro! Shove the darn things down your throat!" He laughed, insinuating Shiemi's aggressive biting with her liking him or something.

Through clamped teeth, Shiemi mumbled, "Also mine!" and was now eyeing the last of the Cursed Temple trio. She could do the math—she had enough limbs left to grab him and the girl that was gawking at her from the room's furthest corner seat. Her foot reached out and pressed against Konekomaru's thigh. "Mine, mine, mine!"

"Shiemi, what the heck are you doing?" Rin asked in a slightly agitated yet greatly confused tone. He had one eyebrow raised.

Yukio answered for her, informing everyone, "She's been possessed by Greed. It would seem her greed is strongest in social possessions, or friends, if you will."

The greedy blonde turned to the front of the room after hearing a new voice. She suddenly released all four of her 'social possessions' and while grinning rushed towards the owner of the voice before grabbing him and cuddling against him. "All mine!" she declared triumphantly. "My number one!" she said, holding up the hand of her newest possession. Her mischievous grin suddenly disappeared and replacing it was a glare towards the rest of her classmates.

Rin folded his arms over his chest and huffed, glaring at the scene. "'Number one,' huh?"

Yukio had no words. His face was red and he was, quite literally, petrified.

A female voice that had been unheard from since the previous test spoke, trying to remain nonchalant. "I don't mean to interrupt your moment, but this guy back here is really starting to freak me out."

Everyone but Yukio and Shiemi turned around to look at Izumo who then directed their attention with her finger to a boy who sat in the back of the room, his head drooping and shoulders slumped. The boy was giving off dark murmurs.

"…Everything, I'll own it all. The world…Hell…the souls and bodies of every living and dead being…" A silent yet wicked cackle escaped the puppet guy's lips before his sock puppet's mouth began to move.

"Together, Takara, we will watch from the throne in Araboth as we smite these lowly humans whose significance is beneath infinitesimal."

Loud and obnoxious cackling erupted from the puppet guy's mouth.

Izumo turned towards the rest of her class. "See what I mean?" Her classmates nodded.

"Well this one's a dud," Suguro called out. "It had such good premise too."

Upon overhearing Suguro's remarks, Izumo, with her hands on her hips, accused him, "Oh you're enjoying all this, are you?"

"Of course I am!" he replied. "Seriously, aren't any of you?" He suddenly elbowed Rin. "Come-on, I know you are too. Remember what happened to Shima last time?"

Shima frowned. "Not again!"

Rin smirked and was about to reply when Suguro spoke first with a finger to the chin of his thoughtful visage. "Oh yeah, and then you and Izumo…"

The girl in question went beet red and vehemently growled at the pompous jerk while the demon boy simply lost his smirk and became quiet.

No longer amused by the happenings of Greed, Suguro began the Aria verse to destroy it, as the teacher whose responsibility that should be was too busy being an object for a touchy-feely Shiemi.

* * *

A.N. Four sins remaining. I almost wanted to do something with Shima in this chapter, but I figured I'd give the poor chap a break. Thanks for reading and, like the previous chapters, I hope you enjoyed it and laughed!


	4. Sloth

A.N. Thank-you to everyone who read, reviewed, favorite'd, and/or followed this story! I'm really pleased that people are enjoying it! As always, I'll keep these notes short and get onto the next chapter: Sloth!

* * *

Yukio cleared his throat quite audibly before speaking. "I'm quite happy with the results of the previous test," he announced. "You all did exceptionally well." A wad of paper suddenly bounced off his forehead, but he remained as petrified as a statue under the lasting effects of what Shiemi had done to him.

The perpetrator of the action—his brother—stared at him with scornful, narrowed eyes. "Is that right?"

Yukio remained unspeaking, his face heating up again.

Tensions were high between the two brothers, Suguro had concluded, and although he was rather content with watching how bashful Shiemi was acting as a result of that and what she had done while possessed by Greed, as well as how annoyed Izumo looked with her cheek in her palm and other hand's index finger tapping her desk in annoyance at the whole display, he wanted to move things along. "What's next?"

Yukio still remained silent.

Rin threw another wad of paper at his brother, scoring a direct hit at the bridge of the nose. "He doesn't know," he answered with contempt in his brother's stead. "He's too busy undressing Sh—"

Yukio suddenly lifted and slammed _The Divine Comedy_ onto his desk with haste. "_Sloth is next_!"

"That hardly sounds fun," Suguro mumbled beneath his breath. "Sounds good," he said aloud.

"Yes," the teacher agreed while pricking his thumb with the needle. "This one should be simple and very docile." His blood touched the page and the test began.

As he had predicted, the test was incredibly docile. He could tell two of his students were already possessed, but he hardly cared about that, for his mind was currently stuck on a blonde maiden of the earth. Her pink yukata that wrapped around her body, her bobcut blonde hair, her gorgeous green eyes that he swore put emeralds to shame—and how could he forget her voluptuous body? He shivered at the thought as he absentmindedly turned pages in _The Divine Comedy_; the shudder made his finger slide the wrong way against the edge of a page. A paper cut had formed on his index finger.

It wasn't enough to distract him from his daydream though. He wanted to chastise himself for thinking such sinful thoughts towards the blonde maiden. He was a respectable man, one who shouldn't think such immoral things of anyone, no less a student! A shockwave broke him from his daydream. Confused, he let his eyes actually analyze the page in front of him instead of just blankly staring through it. "Oh. Crap."

From the page resonated a deafening boom and force of equal proportion that flung the teacher from his seat and into the chalkboard behind him. He lifted his head slowly, the back of it having suffered the brunt of the impact and consequently causing him to be delirious with blurred vision. One, two, three heavy blinks later, his vision had come back fully and the sight before him threw him into a panic.

Konekomaru was pinned against one wall of the classroom by a thick wooden appendage. In the back corner of the room, Izumo was trapped beneath another heavy wooden appendage. On the floor lay an unconscious Shiemi while in the seat to her right was Rin and in the seat to her left was Shima. It wasn't until Yukio looked up that he located an angry Suguro plastered to the ceiling by the largest of all the wooden appendages; upon further inspection that wooden appendage was actually revealed to be the body of a demon.

It finally all came back to Yukio: he had inadvertently summoned a demon. By the looks of it, it wasn't a low-class one either. Of course all he had to do was tear up the page and everything would be fine. Pushing himself up from the ground, he stumbled over to his desk, bracing himself against its top after tripping over what seemed to be a tree root. Shaking his head quickly to regain his thought process, he read the page—or more importantly, a note on the page that someone had scribbled onto it:

'Left this here for safekeeping. If anyone finds it, please do not move it. If you're wondering what it is, it is an Ent summoning sheet. –Igor Neuhaus'

Yukio saved his planning of the future confrontation with the bothersome Neuhaus for later. His eyes now scanned the page for the summoning insignia that the note had alluded to; he found no such thing. Then it hit him: _sheet_. He scrambled around his surroundings, feeling, looking, searching for the small square of paper that essentially held his student's lives. Right as he touched it, a wooden appendage shot out and pushed him into the chalkboard once more; branches shot out of the bark and made a sort of net around his limbs, effectively immobilizing him. It was beyond his reach now, but…"Rin, Shima!"

The two boys gave drawn sighs before passively glancing at their teacher. Shima took the oh-so-excruciating initiative to speak. "What is it, man?"

"The paper!" Yukio informed. "It's there, on the ground! Hurry and tear it up!"

Shima let his head fall forward onto his desk. "No way, too much effort. Rin, you do it."

Rin was in the middle of dozing off, his response slurred. "Wha? No shyou do it, Sheema."

Yukio panicked. Konekomaru was turning pale and Izumo looked like she was about to be crushed to death. "You have to hurry, Rin! Shima!" Alas, Yukio's cries were futile.

"_Damn it_, Rin! Shima!" Suguro was hollering at his classmates from above. His position, while the least painful, was arguably the most uncomfortable, as the prickly branches conformed to his body at all the wrong places. "Listen to Yukio!"

Shima lifted his head with great effort and pokiness. He allowed it to hang back limply so that his lazy eyes could take in Suguro's frustrated visage. "Chill, man," he instructed coolly. "Life's long, there's always time for that later. Just got to ride the waves of relaxation once you catch the drift, you know what I'm sayin', man?"

Suguro shouted an obscenity before turning to Rin. "Rin, wake the _hell_ up! Izumo and Konekomaru are about to die if you don't tear up that paper!" He awaited a response but received nothing but a loud snore. "Shit!"

Suddenly Shima snapped out of it—the effect of Yukio finishing an Aria verse. "What the heck?!" Shima cried in a panic. His hands tugged at his hair and he hastily turned every which way to try and process the situation.

Suguro was yelling again. "The paper! Tear up that frickin' paper!"

Shima leapt into heroic action…

* * *

A.N. Oh Shima, Shima, Shima...oh wait, he's actually the hero here! Or is he...? Hope you enjoyed reading this chapter! Halfway through the sins!


End file.
